I commute from San Francisco to Petaluma everyday. This morning there was a bad accident on the bridge and I was stopped for a while and I remembered about this blog where I used to write up feelings. Even though no one else reads it, it feels good to express thoughts and feelings. I've purchased blank journals in the past but never write in them. Too old fashioned I guess. Typing into my iPhone feels more natural. Now I don't remember the urge I had to type here, but I drank some wine, so who gives a fuck.
I swear there was a purpose to this.
I had some short lived inspiration from the alcohol but now it's gone.
Every fucking single morning after I drink I hate myself and my life, yet every night after work drinking a couple glasses is the best part of the entire day. It's very confusing.
I hate this conversation. Wtf. I just want to enjoy the moments that's all.
Tosca
8.4.15
10.3.13
the winter of our discontent
“A day, a livelong day, is not one thing but many. It changes not only in growing light toward zenith and decline again, but in texture and mood, in tone and meaning, warped by a thousand factors of season, of heat or cold, of still or multi winds, torqued by odors, tastes, and the fabrics of ice or grass, of bud or leaf or black-drawn naked limbs. And as a day changes so do its subjects, bugs and birds, cates, dogs, butterflies and people.”
A man who tells secrets or stories must think of who is hearing or reading, for a story has as many versions as it has readers. Everyone takes what he wants or can from it and thus changes it to his measure. Some pick out parts and reject the rest, some strain the story through their mesh of prejudice, some paint it with their own delight. A story must have some points of contact with the reader to make him feel at home in it. Only then can he accept wonders. (569)
What a frightening thing is the human, a mass of gauges and dials and registers, and we can read only a few and those perhaps not accurately. (576)
It's hard to know how simple or complicated a man is. When you become too sure, you're usually wrong. (634)
"I wonder how many people I've looked at all my life and never seen."
"When a condition or a problem becomes too great, humans have the protection of not thinking about it. But it goes inward and minces up with a lot of other things already there and what comes out is discontent and uneasiness, guilt and a compulsion to get something -anything - before it is all gone."
“It's so much darker when a light goes out than it would have been if it had never shone.”
“No man really knows about other human beings. The best he can do is to suppose that they are like himself.”
“To be alive at all is to have scars. ”
“We can shoot rockets into space but we can't cure anger or discontent. ”
“There's an awful lot of inactive kindness which is nothing but laziness, not wanting any trouble, confusion, or effort.”
“For the most part people are not curious except about themselves.”
“He saw something that makes a man doubtful of the constancy of the realities outside himself. It was the shocking discovery that makes a man wonder if I've missed this, what else have I failed to see?”
“You know most people live ninety per cent in the past, seven per cent in the present, and that only leaves them three per cent for the future.”
“It was a day as different from other days as dogs are from cats and both of them from chrysanthemums or tidal waves or scarlet fever.”
A man who tells secrets or stories must think of who is hearing or reading, for a story has as many versions as it has readers. Everyone takes what he wants or can from it and thus changes it to his measure. Some pick out parts and reject the rest, some strain the story through their mesh of prejudice, some paint it with their own delight. A story must have some points of contact with the reader to make him feel at home in it. Only then can he accept wonders. (569)
What a frightening thing is the human, a mass of gauges and dials and registers, and we can read only a few and those perhaps not accurately. (576)
It's hard to know how simple or complicated a man is. When you become too sure, you're usually wrong. (634)
"I wonder how many people I've looked at all my life and never seen."
"When a condition or a problem becomes too great, humans have the protection of not thinking about it. But it goes inward and minces up with a lot of other things already there and what comes out is discontent and uneasiness, guilt and a compulsion to get something -anything - before it is all gone."
“It's so much darker when a light goes out than it would have been if it had never shone.”
“No man really knows about other human beings. The best he can do is to suppose that they are like himself.”
“To be alive at all is to have scars. ”
“We can shoot rockets into space but we can't cure anger or discontent. ”
“There's an awful lot of inactive kindness which is nothing but laziness, not wanting any trouble, confusion, or effort.”
“For the most part people are not curious except about themselves.”
“He saw something that makes a man doubtful of the constancy of the realities outside himself. It was the shocking discovery that makes a man wonder if I've missed this, what else have I failed to see?”
“You know most people live ninety per cent in the past, seven per cent in the present, and that only leaves them three per cent for the future.”
“It was a day as different from other days as dogs are from cats and both of them from chrysanthemums or tidal waves or scarlet fever.”
12.2.13
24.1.13
nothing else matters
i have always loved this song...who doesn't?
music ... is ... life
So close, no matter how farCouldn't be much more from the heartForever trusting who we areAnd nothing else matters
I never opened myself this wayLife is ours, we live it our wayAll these words I don't just sayAnd nothing else matters
Yeah, trust I seek and I find in youEvery day for us something newOpen mind for a different viewAnd nothing else matters
Never cared for what they doNever cared for what they knowAnd I know
So close, no matter how farCouldn't be much more from the heartForever trusting who we areAnd nothing else matters
Never cared for what they doNever cared for what they knowAnd I know, that's right
Never opened myself this wayAnd life is ours, we live it our wayAll these words I don't just sayAnd nothing else matters, yeah
Trust I seek and I find in youEvery day for us something newOpen mind for a different viewAnd nothing else matters
Never cared for things they sayNever cared for games they playI never cared for what they doI never cared for what they know
music ... is ... life
So close, no matter how farCouldn't be much more from the heartForever trusting who we areAnd nothing else matters
I never opened myself this wayLife is ours, we live it our wayAll these words I don't just sayAnd nothing else matters
Yeah, trust I seek and I find in youEvery day for us something newOpen mind for a different viewAnd nothing else matters
Never cared for what they doNever cared for what they knowAnd I know
So close, no matter how farCouldn't be much more from the heartForever trusting who we areAnd nothing else matters
Never cared for what they doNever cared for what they knowAnd I know, that's right
Never opened myself this wayAnd life is ours, we live it our wayAll these words I don't just sayAnd nothing else matters, yeah
Trust I seek and I find in youEvery day for us something newOpen mind for a different viewAnd nothing else matters
Never cared for things they sayNever cared for games they playI never cared for what they doI never cared for what they know
19.1.13
long-term relationship
i've been with my boyfriend for six years and we've lived together for 5.5 years, we moved in just 3 months after we met in college. it's been a very bumpy road, i've tried and he's wanted me to move out more times than I remember, but it never worked, probably because of lease agreements, jobs, and life commitments. so we've stuck it out and things have been really good since moving to San Francisco. there's so many exciting things to do here it's much easier not to complain about each other. But last night I didn't feel like going out and doing anything. all work weeks are exhausting and I usually want to collapse when Friday is over. I'm also going on a hike today and didn't want it to be struggle to wake up in the morning, like it always if I drink too much or stay out. So, this made him so angry, because he's living with a "grandma" "who never wants to do anything". That's how fights start with him, one thing like that will cause an onslaught of negative comments about me and him not wanting to be with me anymore. He doesn't enjoy me anymore and doesn't want to be with me in the long-term. I'm a rat, with no one that likes me or cares about me, boring, un-interesting. the list goes on. Last night really hurt, because lately I've been feeling comfortable with myself and my life, and excited for a future with him. When you don't feel "safe", mentally, in your home life, it makes me question myself, my life, and brings back all of my insecurities. Last night brought back all the feelings from past fights with him and reminded me how miserable I used to be. It's a sad feeling when the number one person in your life will say so many hurtful things about you. just earlier this week we were talking about where to buy a house, wanting babies, but not wanting to get married. since moving to SF I hadn't questioned our relationship like I used to, but he's so unhappy with me. sometimes I really feel like we are on such different levels...connecting doesn't even feel possible. fights like this always bring me back down to "reality".
6.1.13
8.12.12
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