Creativity

I commute from San Francisco to Petaluma everyday. This morning there was a bad accident on the bridge and I was stopped for a while and I remembered about this blog where I used to write up feelings. Even though no one else reads it, it feels good to express thoughts and feelings. I've purchased blank journals in the past but never write in them. Too old fashioned I guess. Typing into my iPhone feels more natural.  Now I don't remember the urge I had  to type here, but I drank some wine, so who gives a fuck.

I swear there was a purpose to this.
I had some short lived inspiration from the alcohol but now it's gone.
Every fucking single morning after I drink I hate myself and my life, yet every night after work drinking a couple glasses is the best part of the entire day. It's very confusing.

I hate this conversation. Wtf. I just want to enjoy the moments that's all.

Tosca

the winter of our discontent

“A day, a livelong day, is not one thing but many. It changes not only in growing light toward zenith and decline again, but in texture and mood, in tone and meaning, warped by a thousand factors of season, of heat or cold, of still or multi winds, torqued by odors, tastes, and the fabrics of ice or grass, of bud or leaf or black-drawn naked limbs. And as a day changes so do its subjects, bugs and birds, cates, dogs, butterflies and people.”

A man who tells secrets or stories must think of who is hearing or reading, for a story has as many versions as it has readers. Everyone takes what he wants or can from it and thus changes it to his measure. Some pick out parts and reject the rest, some strain the story through their mesh of prejudice, some paint it with their own delight. A story must have some points of contact with the reader to make him feel at home in it. Only then can he accept wonders. (569)

What a frightening thing is the human, a mass of gauges and dials and registers, and we can read only a few and those perhaps not accurately. (576)

It's hard to know how simple or complicated a man is. When you become too sure, you're usually wrong. (634)

"I wonder how many people I've looked at all my life and never seen."

"When a condition or a problem becomes too great, humans have the protection of not thinking about it. But it goes inward and minces up with a lot of other things already there and what comes out is discontent and uneasiness, guilt and a compulsion to get something -anything - before it is all gone."

“It's so much darker when a light goes out than it would have been if it had never shone.” 

“No man really knows about other human beings. The best he can do is to suppose that they are like himself.” 

“To be alive at all is to have scars. ” 

“We can shoot rockets into space but we can't cure anger or discontent. ” 

“There's an awful lot of inactive kindness which is nothing but laziness, not wanting any trouble, confusion, or effort.” 

“For the most part people are not curious except about themselves.” 

“He saw something that makes a man doubtful of the constancy of the realities outside himself. It was the shocking discovery that makes a man wonder if I've missed this, what else have I failed to see?” 

“You know most people live ninety per cent in the past, seven per cent in the present, and that only leaves them three per cent for the future.” 

“It was a day as different from other days as dogs are from cats and both of them from chrysanthemums or tidal waves or scarlet fever.” 

in darkness there is light

waiting for that light. it may be death.

nothing else matters

i have always loved this song...who doesn't?
music ... is ... life



So close, no matter how farCouldn't be much more from the heartForever trusting who we areAnd nothing else matters
I never opened myself this wayLife is ours, we live it our wayAll these words I don't just sayAnd nothing else matters
Yeah, trust I seek and I find in youEvery day for us something newOpen mind for a different viewAnd nothing else matters
Never cared for what they doNever cared for what they knowAnd I know
So close, no matter how farCouldn't be much more from the heartForever trusting who we areAnd nothing else matters
Never cared for what they doNever cared for what they knowAnd I know, that's right
Never opened myself this wayAnd life is ours, we live it our wayAll these words I don't just sayAnd nothing else matters, yeah
Trust I seek and I find in youEvery day for us something newOpen mind for a different viewAnd nothing else matters
Never cared for things they sayNever cared for games they playI never cared for what they doI never cared for what they know

long-term relationship

i've been with my boyfriend for six years and we've lived together for 5.5 years, we moved in just 3 months after we met in college. it's been a very bumpy road, i've tried and he's wanted me to move out more times than I remember, but it never worked, probably because of lease agreements, jobs, and life commitments. so we've stuck it out and things have been really good since moving to San Francisco. there's so many exciting things to do here it's much easier not to complain about each other. But last night I didn't feel like going out and doing anything. all work weeks are exhausting and I usually want to collapse when Friday is over. I'm also going on a hike today and didn't want it to be struggle to wake up in the morning, like it always if I drink too much or stay out. So, this made him so angry, because he's living with a "grandma" "who never wants to do anything". That's how fights start with him, one thing like that will cause an onslaught of negative comments about me and him not wanting to be with me anymore. He doesn't enjoy me anymore and doesn't want to be with me in the long-term. I'm a rat, with no one that likes me or cares about me, boring, un-interesting. the list goes on. Last night really hurt, because lately I've been feeling comfortable with myself and my life, and excited for a future with him. When you don't feel "safe", mentally, in your home life, it makes me question myself, my life, and brings back all of my insecurities. Last night brought back all the feelings from past fights with him and reminded me how miserable I used to be. It's a sad feeling when the number one person in your life will say so many hurtful things about you. just earlier this week we were talking about where to buy a house, wanting babies, but not wanting to get married. since moving to SF I hadn't questioned our relationship like I used to, but he's so unhappy with me. sometimes I really feel like we are on such different levels...connecting doesn't even feel possible. fights like this always bring me back down to "reality".

reinventing your exit

old highschool songs make for good work out music ;)

Slippery People

just a little late on this band!

verdadero

one of the greatest joys in my life is having a beautiful younger sister. on our way to San Francisco today after a long Thanksgiving at home she played some of my old favorite tunes from my high school days from her iphone. Oh the memories of my emo suicidal days!

Saosin, 7 Years

Brand new, the quiet things that no one ever knows

Northstar, Rigged and Ready


Northstar, My Ricochet


Story of the year, until the day I die


Taking Back Sunday


saosin, I can tell


Silverstein, smile in your sleep


Emery, fractions


Number One Fan, Come On


Number one fan, the distance

maria maria

you know you're my lover
when the wind blows I can feel you
through the weather and even when we're apart
It feels like we're together

Javiera Mena - Acá Entera

Me reflejo en la luz 
De tus ojos que brillan 
Por esa valentía 
Que no viene en la voz 

Cuando vamos las dos 
Son tus pasos la vía 
La bajada nos guía 
En directo al amor... 

Y al pasar la intensidad 
Que me llevo a cambiar 
Mi animal siempre vas 
Perpendicular... 

Voy pasando el deseo 
Que me hace brillar 
Un momento que en el tiempo 
Se mantendrá 

Voy directo a la luz 
De todas las estrellas 
Mucho miedo me entrega 
Ni tu mano me das 

Cuando miro mi error 
Se me nubla la vista 
Finalizo la lista 
Cuando sola se esta 

Y al pasar la intensidad 
Que me llevo a cambiar 
Mi animal siempre vas 
Perpendicular... 

Voy pasando el deseo 
Que me hace brillar 
Sentimiento que en el tiempo 
Se mantendrá 

Que me hace llorar... 

Voy a aprender 
Que al perder de mi vida 
El poder otro lado sera ver 
Mucho mas velocidad 

Encantar que la edad 
Muchas veces nos traiciona 
Y no hay nada mas 
En mi 

Acá entera pa mi 
Acá entera pa mi 
Acá entera pa mi 
Acá entera pa mi

the Party Life

don't get much better than this:

WHAT IF

what if women are actually their best when not living with a man
that's how i feel this week
and many other women talk about how alone time is magic
i feel like a new person....just a few days of space
last night to enjoy it.

stuck in a tunnel

haven't seen the light in a while

so many feelings that are not being expressed effectively. they eat me alive.

Buried Alive

If you was in a pine box
I would surely break the lock
I’d jump right in and fall asleep
Cause you are the death of me

Looking in the mirror I'm embarrassed
I’m feeling like a suicidal terrorist
React like an infant whenever you are mentioned
Mind over matter never worked for my nemesis

MOVING TO SAN FRANCISCO

number one goal for the upcoming year....have fun and enjoy life.
let it be written here in the computer for me to refer to in case I forget.
no stressing about money, what career I want, or if I should go to grad school. NO STRESS, NO WORRY.
I envision....meeting people and making a fucking friend...art class...botanical garden...cooking....taking care of myself....exploring the city..happy hours....live music....lots of walking...eating at new places...cultures....taking lots of photos...reading books and watching movies....not letting my job stress me out...smiling....feeling creative...feeling young
what I'm aiming for: be happy and have fun.
I know I can do this..hope the commute and parking doesn't kill me.

HALLELUJAH

Spanish class is bitch!

uno mas semana

so many FEELINGS

so fuckin emotional and moody. seriously it would be such a blessing if a car would fuckin kill me tomorrow. then there really is a god. i don't like life at all. my family is idiotic. i have zero friends. im a moron with no memory.  im sure my boss agrees. im not interesting or intelligent or unique. i feel completely exhausted. trapped. i cant afford to move out of this boring place with mold in the walls of the apartment building. all i want right now is to be able to enjoy life with people and that is completely non existent. i am feeling extremely cynical and hopeless about life.

GETTING THIS GOD AWFUL COPPER IUD REMOVED IMMEDIATELY

Spent the last 2 days spending a lot of time reading other womens stories about the horrible side effects of the Paragard "non-hormonal" copper IUD. It feels so good to know I will have this evil device removed from my body soon...hopefully with no complications. I've read that in 10% the IUD was placed incorrectly and they had to go through surgery to have it removed. Many women have also gotten pregnant while on the Paragard. For me, I have lost a ton of hair over the past 4 years, as well as health issues like mild anemia and some mental issues.
I've also read horror stories from the pill, and I dont want to go on that either. Guess it's back to uncomfortable condoms, and i'm going to learn about the Calendar method. I really dont want to take the pill and mess with my hormones and possibly lose even more hair. I'm going to be natural to my body....and if I get pregnant...I don't even care...JK....haaaaaaaa. I gotta get a Masters degree at the Univ of Hawaii before that happens

Across the Stars

Estoy practicando español

Cuando me desperté, tomé una taza de café. Comí cuatro chocolates de Italia para el desayuno. Más tarde comí el yogur de vainilla con fresas y frambuesas. Para almuerzo comí salmón con el perejil y hongos salteados. Para cena, comí pasta con pesto. Entonces conduje a la clase de español. Cuando llegué a casa, jugué con mi gato y tenía una copa de vino tinto llamado "Apothic". Estoy muy cansado. A veces mi trabajo es aburrido. ¿Cuándo voy a ser feliz?