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Polish for "she lives in me through death". That's what I felt last night in bed.

Thinkin a lot about the great granny lately. She will be 102 y.o. in July. Pretty amazing. She complains about being "too healthy" and tells us you don't want to live that long. My grandma and great-grandma (and their families) on my dad's side have always lived next door to each other in Milwaukee, but last year she got put into a nursing home. My grandma is so sick of her mom apparently. I rarely get to see them so I really can't judge her. My great-grandma (Josephine Nawrocki, polish descent) has always inspired me, and nights when I feel very sad and lonely, I think of her strength, it's almost like she's my angel, but she's still alive. Even though I only got to see her for a couple weeks every few years, I'm lucky to have had the chance to know her. She is a very outgoing, friendly, sociable, happy person. She is an amazing piano player (she still has many songs memorized), she loved to go dancing, go bowling, and play cards. She had pet birds too. Those are the things I remember. When I visited 2 years ago we sat on her patio (she loves sitting outside) and flipped through old photo albums, she remembered the dates, people, stories of all the photos. Since we would always visit in the muggy summer time, I remember the vanilla ice cream with raspberries picked from her backyard, and chocolate malt shakes. I remember when I was there she went out to play poker with a few older guys and she won all their money. Her memory is fading now though, and her eye sight, and her fingers get really swollen I guess.  But other than that, nothing serious yet

She's always had a strong sense of self, maybe even "stubborn" or "selfish" if you ask my grandma. She does what makes her happy. Men especially have always been attracted to her. My great-grandpa Schmidt died in his 80's, but she eventually got a boyfriend, Frank, but he died 5 years or so ago. Now she is alone in a nursing home, some days she has a positive outlook, but most days she seems to be negative.

I'm such a reactive person (the opposite of her). I notice how some people I know can enjoy being around all people, they are non-judgemental. I on the other hand am very...picky. I won't say anymore on that.

I am envious of the simple life and strength of community that my great grandparents and grandparents grew up with.

I idolize my grandparents too, but for now I'm thinking about "Josie" since she's the oldest....
Thinking of ideas for a drawing I could do to encompass all of these feelings.

on another note: It's a gorgeous day in California, low to mid 70s, and I'm scolded by my fat OCD stoner boyfriend for opening the windows so I can breathe. I suffocate. He takes multiple Xanax on a daily basis now, even more anti-social, plays videogames in the pitch dark constantly, barely pays attention to me, calls me a moron, a rat, a bitch. When I try to tell him that his xanax, weed, depression, overweight, unhealthiness bothers me I'm yelled at. I feel so depressed and hopeless.

Staring Through My Rearview

Staring at the world through my rearview
Just looking back at the world, from another level yaknowhatImean?
Starin...

Multiple gunshots fill the block, the fun stops
Niggaz is callin cops, people shot, nobody stop
I wonder when the world stopped caring last night
Two kids shot while the whole block staring
I will never understand this society, first they try
to murder me, then they lie to me, product of a dying breed
All my homies trying weed, now the little baby's
crazed raised off Hennesey, tell me will my enemies
flee when they see me, believe me
Even Thugs gotta learn to take it easy, listen
Through the intermissions search your heart for a plan
and we turnin Bad Boys to grown men, it's on again
I give a holla to my niggaz in the darkest corners
Roll a perfect blunt, and let me spark it for ya
One love from a thug nigga rollin with a posse
full of paranoid drug dealers, to the end my friend

I'm seein nuttin but my dreams comin true
While I'm starin at the world through my rearview (see) 
[repeat 2X]

(They got me) starin at the world through my rearview
Go on baby scream to God, he can't hear you
I can feel your heart beatin fast cause it's time to die (we)
Gettin high, watchin time fly, and all my motherfuckers 
[repeat 2X]

[E.D.I.]
Now you see him, now you don't, some niggaz
be here for the moment, and then they gone, what happened to em?
Well let's see, it seems to be a mystery
But all I know I never let the money get to me
Stay down like the, truest
Thug Life until I check out this bitch, I thought you knew this
Who is, gonna catch me when I fall or even care to
While you thinkin I see you lost up in my rearview
Half you, is down with them Outlawz
Outcast, left far, I'm through like southpaws
But still we keep mashin til our dreams come through
Starin at the world through my rearview

[Tupac]
Now I was raised as a young black male
In order to get paid, forced to make crack sales
Caught a nigga so they send me to these overpacked jails
In the cell, countin days in this livin black Hell, do you feel me?
Keys to ignition, use at your discretion
Roll with a twelve gauge pump for protection
Niggaz hate me in the section from years of chin checkin
Turn to Smith and Wesson war weapons
Heavenly Father I'm a soldier, I'm gettin hotter
cause the world's gettin colder, baby let me hold ya
Talk to my guns like they fly bitches
All you bustas best to run look at my bitches

Now I know the answers to the question, do dreams come true
Still starin at the world through my rearview (I say) 
[repeat 2X]

(They got me) starin at the world through my rearview
Go on baby scream to God, he can't hear you
I can feel your heart beatin fast cause it's time to die
Gettin high, watchin time fly -
and all my motherfuckers/nigga can die 
[repeat 2X]

[Khadafi]
Back in the days we hustled for sneakers and beepers
Nine-six for glocks cause fiends hittin up blocks with street sweepers
Bless myself when knowin rules to these streets, somethin I learned
in school, on some Million Man March shit for the piece/peace
True that, only one life to lead, a fast life of greed
Criminally addicted, infested since a seed
We all die, breed bleed like humans, towns run
by young guns, Outlawz and truants, shit's deep
Turn eighteen, burn my will when I go
Burnt my body with my shotty, or chosin my dough
So while you reminiscin all nights out with the crew
Smoke a blunt for me too, I'm starin through your rearview

[Tupac]
Hahahaha, you ain't knowin what we mean by starin through the rearview
So since you ain't knowin what we mean let me break down understandin
The world, the world is behind us
Once a motherfucker get an understanding on the game
and what the levels and the rules of the game is
Then the world ain't no trick no more
The world is a game to be played
So now we lookin at the world, from like, behind us
Niggaz know what we gotta do, just gotta put our mind to it and do it
It's all about the papers, money rule the world
Bitches make the world go round
Real niggaz do they wanna do, bitch niggaz do what they can't

pure black out last night

definitely lost some brain cells. not a good feeling. i think it's about time that I seriously focus on how to rid the alcoholic in me. sigh.

soundtracks

I can get emotional during movies or tv shows and a big reason for that is the perfect placement of music.

alcohol

this post won't be in español because 1) i drank some wine and 2) I don't know shit about that language. I really hate that I'm a wino. Like everyday on my way home from work I think about a glass of red wine. I think about how I'm an alcoholic, but then I think I've improved alot over the years- I rarely drink hard alcohol, I think I could just be hard on myself, the rest of my life is "ok" why should I hate myself for that. I'm sure if other areas of my life improve I won't crave wine so much. I'm not miserable, but Im not that happy, and wine makes me happy. I don't like that once I have one glass, I need 2 more. And then all my plans for the evening are gone: studying spanish, exercising, yoga, reading the news (EW WHO GIVES A FUCK), drawing, watching a movie, organizing, figuring out my life, man it's all gone after one glass, and then I just spend  3 hours making dinner...taking my time. And then it's 9pm and I'm tired. At least when I reach the end of a bottle I have enough restraint from opening a new one, but only on week nights. God I sound like such an alcoholic I hate it!!!!!!!! I think I'm just lonely..want a change of lifestyle...wish I had money, to travel...wanna meet more people. First world white people problems huh. It's funny, I get so proud of myself when I go 2 nights without a glass of wine and it feels like an eternity and then I'm like oh you deserve some tonight!!! seriously WTF is my problem. I'm just an unstable needy confused insecure human being huh. I'm trippin tonight

el aire libre

es paz y libertad. En mis ojos.

I Aint goin nowhere, I'm stayin alive

Niggaz wanna be like Pun, but they don't bust they guns

and it's so haaaaaard..

Niggaz wanna fuck my wife, niggaz wanna take my life

but it's so haaaaaard..

Yeah, cause you ain't fuckin my wife, takin my life

And if you just hatin just walk on by...

All you haters just walk on by

-THE BIG PUNISHER

Do you ever feel

so bored dull depressed lifeless apathetic not creative that the only thing to comfort you is Tool or 2Pac and red wine. i don't do drugs, I exercise, eat healthy, blah blah, I just spent 5 days with my family and this is the resulting feeling. i changed my mind about t his post and dont want to type anymore. sometimes when i'm on an airplane i think about how i would react if something went wrong and it would plummet to death, i think i would stay calm, think about a few people, and be thankful...death is sweetness.

my life feels difficult, but it's not even difficult

Bought a $80 shower filter because San Jose is in the top 5 worst areas of water to shower in. My hair and skin constantly is dried out. But San Francisco is in the top 5...cool...

Considering joining a meat CSA, expensive as fuck, but don't understand how I'm supposed to eat in this fucked up world of America. If GOP takes over, I want to shoot myself.

Industrial poultry about to get even crappier — literally

Leavin to San Diego tomororow for a few day vacation. finally. I want to buy some exotic clothes and jewelry and shit but I'm fuckin broke.

There's probably more to say, but I hardly remember things I learn through a computer, which is the most of my life now, so i'm numb and dying. red wine.