Polish for "she lives in me through death". That's what I felt last night in bed.
Thinkin a lot about the great granny lately. She will be 102 y.o. in July. Pretty amazing. She complains about being "too healthy" and tells us you don't want to live that long. My grandma and great-grandma (and their families) on my dad's side have always lived next door to each other in Milwaukee, but last year she got put into a nursing home. My grandma is so sick of her mom apparently. I rarely get to see them so I really can't judge her. My great-grandma (Josephine Nawrocki, polish descent) has always inspired me, and nights when I feel very sad and lonely, I think of her strength, it's almost like she's my angel, but she's still alive. Even though I only got to see her for a couple weeks every few years, I'm lucky to have had the chance to know her. She is a very outgoing, friendly, sociable, happy person. She is an amazing piano player (she still has many songs memorized), she loved to go dancing, go bowling, and play cards. She had pet birds too. Those are the things I remember. When I visited 2 years ago we sat on her patio (she loves sitting outside) and flipped through old photo albums, she remembered the dates, people, stories of all the photos. Since we would always visit in the muggy summer time, I remember the vanilla ice cream with raspberries picked from her backyard, and chocolate malt shakes. I remember when I was there she went out to play poker with a few older guys and she won all their money. Her memory is fading now though, and her eye sight, and her fingers get really swollen I guess. But other than that, nothing serious yet
She's always had a strong sense of self, maybe even "stubborn" or "selfish" if you ask my grandma. She does what makes her happy. Men especially have always been attracted to her. My great-grandpa Schmidt died in his 80's, but she eventually got a boyfriend, Frank, but he died 5 years or so ago. Now she is alone in a nursing home, some days she has a positive outlook, but most days she seems to be negative.
I'm such a reactive person (the opposite of her). I notice how some people I know can enjoy being around all people, they are non-judgemental. I on the other hand am very...picky. I won't say anymore on that.
I am envious of the simple life and strength of community that my great grandparents and grandparents grew up with.
I idolize my grandparents too, but for now I'm thinking about "Josie" since she's the oldest....
Thinking of ideas for a drawing I could do to encompass all of these feelings.
on another note: It's a gorgeous day in California, low to mid 70s, and I'm scolded by my fat OCD stoner boyfriend for opening the windows so I can breathe. I suffocate. He takes multiple Xanax on a daily basis now, even more anti-social, plays videogames in the pitch dark constantly, barely pays attention to me, calls me a moron, a rat, a bitch. When I try to tell him that his xanax, weed, depression, overweight, unhealthiness bothers me I'm yelled at. I feel so depressed and hopeless.
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