alcohol

this post won't be in español because 1) i drank some wine and 2) I don't know shit about that language. I really hate that I'm a wino. Like everyday on my way home from work I think about a glass of red wine. I think about how I'm an alcoholic, but then I think I've improved alot over the years- I rarely drink hard alcohol, I think I could just be hard on myself, the rest of my life is "ok" why should I hate myself for that. I'm sure if other areas of my life improve I won't crave wine so much. I'm not miserable, but Im not that happy, and wine makes me happy. I don't like that once I have one glass, I need 2 more. And then all my plans for the evening are gone: studying spanish, exercising, yoga, reading the news (EW WHO GIVES A FUCK), drawing, watching a movie, organizing, figuring out my life, man it's all gone after one glass, and then I just spend  3 hours making dinner...taking my time. And then it's 9pm and I'm tired. At least when I reach the end of a bottle I have enough restraint from opening a new one, but only on week nights. God I sound like such an alcoholic I hate it!!!!!!!! I think I'm just lonely..want a change of lifestyle...wish I had money, to travel...wanna meet more people. First world white people problems huh. It's funny, I get so proud of myself when I go 2 nights without a glass of wine and it feels like an eternity and then I'm like oh you deserve some tonight!!! seriously WTF is my problem. I'm just an unstable needy confused insecure human being huh. I'm trippin tonight