Slippery People

just a little late on this band!

verdadero

one of the greatest joys in my life is having a beautiful younger sister. on our way to San Francisco today after a long Thanksgiving at home she played some of my old favorite tunes from my high school days from her iphone. Oh the memories of my emo suicidal days!

Saosin, 7 Years

Brand new, the quiet things that no one ever knows

Northstar, Rigged and Ready


Northstar, My Ricochet


Story of the year, until the day I die


Taking Back Sunday


saosin, I can tell


Silverstein, smile in your sleep


Emery, fractions


Number One Fan, Come On


Number one fan, the distance

maria maria

you know you're my lover
when the wind blows I can feel you
through the weather and even when we're apart
It feels like we're together

Javiera Mena - Acá Entera

Me reflejo en la luz 
De tus ojos que brillan 
Por esa valentía 
Que no viene en la voz 

Cuando vamos las dos 
Son tus pasos la vía 
La bajada nos guía 
En directo al amor... 

Y al pasar la intensidad 
Que me llevo a cambiar 
Mi animal siempre vas 
Perpendicular... 

Voy pasando el deseo 
Que me hace brillar 
Un momento que en el tiempo 
Se mantendrá 

Voy directo a la luz 
De todas las estrellas 
Mucho miedo me entrega 
Ni tu mano me das 

Cuando miro mi error 
Se me nubla la vista 
Finalizo la lista 
Cuando sola se esta 

Y al pasar la intensidad 
Que me llevo a cambiar 
Mi animal siempre vas 
Perpendicular... 

Voy pasando el deseo 
Que me hace brillar 
Sentimiento que en el tiempo 
Se mantendrá 

Que me hace llorar... 

Voy a aprender 
Que al perder de mi vida 
El poder otro lado sera ver 
Mucho mas velocidad 

Encantar que la edad 
Muchas veces nos traiciona 
Y no hay nada mas 
En mi 

Acá entera pa mi 
Acá entera pa mi 
Acá entera pa mi 
Acá entera pa mi

the Party Life

don't get much better than this:

WHAT IF

what if women are actually their best when not living with a man
that's how i feel this week
and many other women talk about how alone time is magic
i feel like a new person....just a few days of space
last night to enjoy it.

stuck in a tunnel

haven't seen the light in a while

so many feelings that are not being expressed effectively. they eat me alive.

Buried Alive

If you was in a pine box
I would surely break the lock
I’d jump right in and fall asleep
Cause you are the death of me

Looking in the mirror I'm embarrassed
I’m feeling like a suicidal terrorist
React like an infant whenever you are mentioned
Mind over matter never worked for my nemesis

MOVING TO SAN FRANCISCO

number one goal for the upcoming year....have fun and enjoy life.
let it be written here in the computer for me to refer to in case I forget.
no stressing about money, what career I want, or if I should go to grad school. NO STRESS, NO WORRY.
I envision....meeting people and making a fucking friend...art class...botanical garden...cooking....taking care of myself....exploring the city..happy hours....live music....lots of walking...eating at new places...cultures....taking lots of photos...reading books and watching movies....not letting my job stress me out...smiling....feeling creative...feeling young
what I'm aiming for: be happy and have fun.
I know I can do this..hope the commute and parking doesn't kill me.

HALLELUJAH

Spanish class is bitch!

uno mas semana

so many FEELINGS

so fuckin emotional and moody. seriously it would be such a blessing if a car would fuckin kill me tomorrow. then there really is a god. i don't like life at all. my family is idiotic. i have zero friends. im a moron with no memory.  im sure my boss agrees. im not interesting or intelligent or unique. i feel completely exhausted. trapped. i cant afford to move out of this boring place with mold in the walls of the apartment building. all i want right now is to be able to enjoy life with people and that is completely non existent. i am feeling extremely cynical and hopeless about life.

GETTING THIS GOD AWFUL COPPER IUD REMOVED IMMEDIATELY

Spent the last 2 days spending a lot of time reading other womens stories about the horrible side effects of the Paragard "non-hormonal" copper IUD. It feels so good to know I will have this evil device removed from my body soon...hopefully with no complications. I've read that in 10% the IUD was placed incorrectly and they had to go through surgery to have it removed. Many women have also gotten pregnant while on the Paragard. For me, I have lost a ton of hair over the past 4 years, as well as health issues like mild anemia and some mental issues.
I've also read horror stories from the pill, and I dont want to go on that either. Guess it's back to uncomfortable condoms, and i'm going to learn about the Calendar method. I really dont want to take the pill and mess with my hormones and possibly lose even more hair. I'm going to be natural to my body....and if I get pregnant...I don't even care...JK....haaaaaaaa. I gotta get a Masters degree at the Univ of Hawaii before that happens

Across the Stars

Estoy practicando español

Cuando me desperté, tomé una taza de café. Comí cuatro chocolates de Italia para el desayuno. Más tarde comí el yogur de vainilla con fresas y frambuesas. Para almuerzo comí salmón con el perejil y hongos salteados. Para cena, comí pasta con pesto. Entonces conduje a la clase de español. Cuando llegué a casa, jugué con mi gato y tenía una copa de vino tinto llamado "Apothic". Estoy muy cansado. A veces mi trabajo es aburrido. ¿Cuándo voy a ser feliz?

habits

I'm reading a book about how to be an "effective" person...and it's really interesting and I'm taking it seriously. There's a lot in it for me to learn and apply.

I still despise asians though. Don't get me wrong, there are some that I like, but as a race or culture as a whole, they are the worst. I fucking hate all their retarded superstitions, like their obsession with using dead babies as medicine or consuming parts of amazing endangered animals to improve their sexual performance.

On Saturday I went on a run at a popular preserved park/hills. When I got done I was walking through the parking lot and this asian lady with 2 kids was straight up screaming at her husband, calling him all kinds of name, then she realized they had locked her keys in the car and started screaming and yelling even louder. It was so fucking embarrassing...there were tons of people in the parking lot.

Then on Sunday I went to a yoga class at the gym. I was driving out of the parking lot, waiting to turn left, and in my rearview this car is hauling at me so fast I thought she was going to hit me. She honks at me 3 times immediately and I turn around and this asian lady is waving her hands at me to turn. I look at the road again and there's absolutely no where for me to turn. Then she reverses super far super fast and goes another way. Super calm after yoga and I have to encounter that lunatic.

I just think the majority of asians aren't very aware and have no street or common sense. I just read some statistic that like 80% or something of korean kids are now near-sighted, cause they spend so much time indoors reading books.

Japan is probably an exception but still I hate how they eat intelligent dolphins and whales. But I eat other animals which are intelligent too, but dolphins are just at another level.
Give me a free vacation to China, Korea, Thailand and I'll fucking throw it in the garbage.

sensitivities in life

everyone has them. can't dwell on them though. sometimes there are small things in life to look forward to that don't make sense. everyday at the train station i'm attracted to a person there. and this person hasn't been there for a week. i think they might be a teacher...gone for the summer. just little things like that can be depressing. now i have nothing to look forward to in the morning...but it's ok i'll be fine.
i have very little memory of growing up. like i don't remember anything i learned in school or what I did. most people have vivid memories of their childhood and growing up. there are 2 things that really stick out though: i think i was in 3rd or 4th grade, the first thursday of every month my mom would take me to the shitty mall, it was like a date, and i usually got to pick out something..like earrings from claires or something else cheap. and then i remember one valentines day when i was pretty young my dad gave me flowers and took me to see a dance performance. that was the only time anyone has surprised me with flowers. i guess i remembered those times because i felt special or loved

algún música hoy

Birds flying high you know how I feel
Sun in the sky you know how I feel
Breeze driftin' on by you know how I feel

It's a new dawn
It's a new day
It's a new life
For me
And I'm feeling good

Fish in the sea you know how I feel
River running free you know how I feel
Blossom on the tree you know how I feel

Dragonfly out in the sun you know what I mean, don't you know
Butterflies all havin' fun you know what I mean
Sleep in peace when day is done
That's what I mean

And this old world is a new world
And a bold world
For me

Stars when you shine you know how I feel
Scent of the pine you know how I feel
Oh freedom is mine
And I know how I feel





Fernando Milagros - Carnavel feat Christina Rosenvinge

Andrea Balency Trio - El Desorden 

today: the first manicure of my life and the first drink of the week. LOL!

A friend at work invited me to go get a manicure with her this week. I confessed...I've never had a manicure or pedicure...lol. I ended up choosing a lime green color for my nails...the pic don't do justice for da beauty of it. There was a rich ugly Palo Alto mom that looked like a man with her 2 kids, a boy and girl, same age, maybe 3-4 years old?, gettin pedicures. Can you believe that shit? And they were annoying as FUCK. ANNOYING AS FUCK. The little boy wanted glittery blue nail polish for his pedicure with a star design....SERIOUSLY? I'm gettin heated just thinkin about it. And then afterwards when I said somethin to the girl I went with, she was like, oh that was so cute!   Godddd...maybe I'm just bitter that this faggot lil boy was gettin a pedicure before I've ever had one. Seriously...this family doesn't have anything better to do with their time? All I know, is it made me SICK....SICK...with disgust. It was not cute in the least bit. And the kids both had like ADD, chewin on strings and shit and wouldn't shut up the entire time. Seriously...........disgusting.

And then I read about the lies of sunscreen today. Just like anything else in this country, you can't trust anything.  If I'm going to sit in the sun, I always wear sunscreen now, but now I'm reading that you can't even trust that the sunscreen you buy protects you from UVA rays. Greeat, now I'm going to have tons of wrinkles on my face and neck. And I already know that my hands (as the asians say, your hands show your true age) are going to have wrinkles, because I don't put sunscreen on them. When I wash my hands every hour the sunscreen is just going to come off so what's the point. Sorry I'll never be some boring as fuck asian lady that just sits inside all day....I'm more alive than you idiots...more connected with the world. Stop walking into me at the farmer's markets you fucking morons. How does your brain not understand how to look up from your feet and not walk into people? 

Fredic Chopin is awesome right now (this Youtube video of the song sucks though)

nada

I was just going to write "I have nothing to say". Then I saw this quote in a NPR article. I feel this way sometimes.  "We just absorb anything we like. We're cannibals."
I feel very raw. or I am very raw.

żyje we mnie przez śmierć

Polish for "she lives in me through death". That's what I felt last night in bed.

Thinkin a lot about the great granny lately. She will be 102 y.o. in July. Pretty amazing. She complains about being "too healthy" and tells us you don't want to live that long. My grandma and great-grandma (and their families) on my dad's side have always lived next door to each other in Milwaukee, but last year she got put into a nursing home. My grandma is so sick of her mom apparently. I rarely get to see them so I really can't judge her. My great-grandma (Josephine Nawrocki, polish descent) has always inspired me, and nights when I feel very sad and lonely, I think of her strength, it's almost like she's my angel, but she's still alive. Even though I only got to see her for a couple weeks every few years, I'm lucky to have had the chance to know her. She is a very outgoing, friendly, sociable, happy person. She is an amazing piano player (she still has many songs memorized), she loved to go dancing, go bowling, and play cards. She had pet birds too. Those are the things I remember. When I visited 2 years ago we sat on her patio (she loves sitting outside) and flipped through old photo albums, she remembered the dates, people, stories of all the photos. Since we would always visit in the muggy summer time, I remember the vanilla ice cream with raspberries picked from her backyard, and chocolate malt shakes. I remember when I was there she went out to play poker with a few older guys and she won all their money. Her memory is fading now though, and her eye sight, and her fingers get really swollen I guess.  But other than that, nothing serious yet

She's always had a strong sense of self, maybe even "stubborn" or "selfish" if you ask my grandma. She does what makes her happy. Men especially have always been attracted to her. My great-grandpa Schmidt died in his 80's, but she eventually got a boyfriend, Frank, but he died 5 years or so ago. Now she is alone in a nursing home, some days she has a positive outlook, but most days she seems to be negative.

I'm such a reactive person (the opposite of her). I notice how some people I know can enjoy being around all people, they are non-judgemental. I on the other hand am very...picky. I won't say anymore on that.

I am envious of the simple life and strength of community that my great grandparents and grandparents grew up with.

I idolize my grandparents too, but for now I'm thinking about "Josie" since she's the oldest....
Thinking of ideas for a drawing I could do to encompass all of these feelings.

on another note: It's a gorgeous day in California, low to mid 70s, and I'm scolded by my fat OCD stoner boyfriend for opening the windows so I can breathe. I suffocate. He takes multiple Xanax on a daily basis now, even more anti-social, plays videogames in the pitch dark constantly, barely pays attention to me, calls me a moron, a rat, a bitch. When I try to tell him that his xanax, weed, depression, overweight, unhealthiness bothers me I'm yelled at. I feel so depressed and hopeless.

Staring Through My Rearview

Staring at the world through my rearview
Just looking back at the world, from another level yaknowhatImean?
Starin...

Multiple gunshots fill the block, the fun stops
Niggaz is callin cops, people shot, nobody stop
I wonder when the world stopped caring last night
Two kids shot while the whole block staring
I will never understand this society, first they try
to murder me, then they lie to me, product of a dying breed
All my homies trying weed, now the little baby's
crazed raised off Hennesey, tell me will my enemies
flee when they see me, believe me
Even Thugs gotta learn to take it easy, listen
Through the intermissions search your heart for a plan
and we turnin Bad Boys to grown men, it's on again
I give a holla to my niggaz in the darkest corners
Roll a perfect blunt, and let me spark it for ya
One love from a thug nigga rollin with a posse
full of paranoid drug dealers, to the end my friend

I'm seein nuttin but my dreams comin true
While I'm starin at the world through my rearview (see) 
[repeat 2X]

(They got me) starin at the world through my rearview
Go on baby scream to God, he can't hear you
I can feel your heart beatin fast cause it's time to die (we)
Gettin high, watchin time fly, and all my motherfuckers 
[repeat 2X]

[E.D.I.]
Now you see him, now you don't, some niggaz
be here for the moment, and then they gone, what happened to em?
Well let's see, it seems to be a mystery
But all I know I never let the money get to me
Stay down like the, truest
Thug Life until I check out this bitch, I thought you knew this
Who is, gonna catch me when I fall or even care to
While you thinkin I see you lost up in my rearview
Half you, is down with them Outlawz
Outcast, left far, I'm through like southpaws
But still we keep mashin til our dreams come through
Starin at the world through my rearview

[Tupac]
Now I was raised as a young black male
In order to get paid, forced to make crack sales
Caught a nigga so they send me to these overpacked jails
In the cell, countin days in this livin black Hell, do you feel me?
Keys to ignition, use at your discretion
Roll with a twelve gauge pump for protection
Niggaz hate me in the section from years of chin checkin
Turn to Smith and Wesson war weapons
Heavenly Father I'm a soldier, I'm gettin hotter
cause the world's gettin colder, baby let me hold ya
Talk to my guns like they fly bitches
All you bustas best to run look at my bitches

Now I know the answers to the question, do dreams come true
Still starin at the world through my rearview (I say) 
[repeat 2X]

(They got me) starin at the world through my rearview
Go on baby scream to God, he can't hear you
I can feel your heart beatin fast cause it's time to die
Gettin high, watchin time fly -
and all my motherfuckers/nigga can die 
[repeat 2X]

[Khadafi]
Back in the days we hustled for sneakers and beepers
Nine-six for glocks cause fiends hittin up blocks with street sweepers
Bless myself when knowin rules to these streets, somethin I learned
in school, on some Million Man March shit for the piece/peace
True that, only one life to lead, a fast life of greed
Criminally addicted, infested since a seed
We all die, breed bleed like humans, towns run
by young guns, Outlawz and truants, shit's deep
Turn eighteen, burn my will when I go
Burnt my body with my shotty, or chosin my dough
So while you reminiscin all nights out with the crew
Smoke a blunt for me too, I'm starin through your rearview

[Tupac]
Hahahaha, you ain't knowin what we mean by starin through the rearview
So since you ain't knowin what we mean let me break down understandin
The world, the world is behind us
Once a motherfucker get an understanding on the game
and what the levels and the rules of the game is
Then the world ain't no trick no more
The world is a game to be played
So now we lookin at the world, from like, behind us
Niggaz know what we gotta do, just gotta put our mind to it and do it
It's all about the papers, money rule the world
Bitches make the world go round
Real niggaz do they wanna do, bitch niggaz do what they can't

pure black out last night

definitely lost some brain cells. not a good feeling. i think it's about time that I seriously focus on how to rid the alcoholic in me. sigh.

soundtracks

I can get emotional during movies or tv shows and a big reason for that is the perfect placement of music.

alcohol

this post won't be in español because 1) i drank some wine and 2) I don't know shit about that language. I really hate that I'm a wino. Like everyday on my way home from work I think about a glass of red wine. I think about how I'm an alcoholic, but then I think I've improved alot over the years- I rarely drink hard alcohol, I think I could just be hard on myself, the rest of my life is "ok" why should I hate myself for that. I'm sure if other areas of my life improve I won't crave wine so much. I'm not miserable, but Im not that happy, and wine makes me happy. I don't like that once I have one glass, I need 2 more. And then all my plans for the evening are gone: studying spanish, exercising, yoga, reading the news (EW WHO GIVES A FUCK), drawing, watching a movie, organizing, figuring out my life, man it's all gone after one glass, and then I just spend  3 hours making dinner...taking my time. And then it's 9pm and I'm tired. At least when I reach the end of a bottle I have enough restraint from opening a new one, but only on week nights. God I sound like such an alcoholic I hate it!!!!!!!! I think I'm just lonely..want a change of lifestyle...wish I had money, to travel...wanna meet more people. First world white people problems huh. It's funny, I get so proud of myself when I go 2 nights without a glass of wine and it feels like an eternity and then I'm like oh you deserve some tonight!!! seriously WTF is my problem. I'm just an unstable needy confused insecure human being huh. I'm trippin tonight

el aire libre

es paz y libertad. En mis ojos.